Good Advice

Warning

When I am an old woman I shall wear purple
With a red hat which doesn't go, and doesn't suit me.
And I shall spend my pension on brandy and summer gloves
And satin sandlas, and say we've no money for butter.
I shall sit down on the pavement when I'm tired
And gobble up samples in shops and press alarm bells
And run my stick along the public railings
And make up for the sobriety of my youth.
I shall go out in my slippers in the rain
And pick flowers in other people's gardens
And learn to spit.

You can wear terrible shirts and grow more fat
And eat three pounds of sausages at a go
Or only bread and pickle for a week
And hoard pens and pencils and beermats and things in boxes.

But now we must have clothes that keep us dry
And pay our rent and not swear in the street
And set a good example for the children.
We must have friends to dinner and read the papers.

But maybe I ought to practice a little now?
So people who know me are not too shocked and surprised
When suddenly I am old, and start to wear purple.

Jenny Joseph


Eight Rules for A Healthy Relationship
(from The Red Hat Club by Haywood Smith
1: Do Over
Any one, at any time, can ask for a fresh start and get it: change of subject change of attitude. No mattter how bad they may have screwed things up (in which case immediate apologies are in order) NO grudges allowed.

2: No Lies
we must be able to trust each other for the truth. But that doesn't mean we have to tell everything we know, especially if it would betray a confidence or cause senseless hurt. Thus, if one of us askes a question better left unanswered, we are obligated not to tell what we know. In such instances, "i'm sorry. I really couldn't say," is the preferred phrasing. So if one of us doesn't really want to hear how those new white slacks look from behind, she shouldn't ask, or she's liable to hear, "i'm sorry, i really couldn't say." Which is ouch enough.

4: No Telling
Never, Ever, Ever will we rat out one of the group. Our shared secrets are to be kept secret. We do not pass them on. The penalties for breaking this tradition are immediate banishment from the group and eternal damnation featuring perpetual freezing feet and zero-carb diet.

5: Girls First
(or each other first, i adapted this from a book about a ladies' club)
No one, including buddies mothers, brothers, sons, fathers, daughters, bosses or pals, shall come between us.

6: No Beating Ourselves or Each Other up when we Blow it.
The second part is fairly easy. The first part is hard, hard, hard, since it seems to be our curse to feel responsible for everything that happens.

7: No "I Told You So's"
Simple to say, but maybe our biggest challenge to obey. This extends beyond words to gestures and facial expressions. Infractions are punishable by having to pick up the tab for the entire table or take everybody to whatever movie the victim wants to see, at the victim's choice.

8: The Subject of Weight will Never be Mentioned or even Implied
"my body, my choice" means no pointed looks when fried foods, junk foods, heavy sauces, second desserts, or alcoholic beverages are consumed or abstained from in our presence. We are not responsible for what any of the others chooses to put into their body. Our obligation extends only to taking the car keys if its drugs or alcohol. But as an extension to that, those of us who've let ourselves go are banned from whining about tight clothes, or obsessing about diets. Bor-ring